Trophy Scars

why did your golden hearts
effortlessly bruise?
how did that waning spark
fade to black and blue?

– Converge ‘Vicious Muse’

I love Converge, why don’t you?

So I have to retract yesterdays post (not that I will, but as a way of saying). I felt really good about my methods the last few days and felt optimistic enough to share them with you guys. Then this afternoon, for the first time in a while, I felt really upset. Not upset in an angry manner where I blame everything on the other person, but where I totally didn’t get what was happening.

I’ll be hopelesly vague, for privacy and personal meanings and reasons. I have reasons! So I did something for party A to make their thing easier. I do stuff that involves the leftfield in between party A and B at work and I try to be as pro-active about it as I can, suggesting developments and offering help when I can or when I wish someone realised I’m not a drone. I feel pretty good about doing that, because it always finds a bit of thanks and respect.

Now, I get the thing thrown in my face. I also get reasons after asking for them. For me reasons are not ‘feelings from the gut’, ‘nameless fears’ and other vague, shivery things. I actually just translate those to “This is my call and I’m calling it wether you like it or not.” That sucks, specially when you’re enthousiastic and energetic about your thing. For some reason the talk didn’t end there and for some reason it became personal, it felt isultive and it just really got to me. I started speaking hoarse and stammered when I spoke, confused I left and felt totally upset.

Why was I upset? I felt I had been pro-active on the whole thing. I tried to understand before I made myself understood and most importantly I thought in a win/win form. The win I got in the end was a minimal one and I keep thinking what I did wrong. I’m trying to not get stuck in it, but I really just have a hard time understanding what happened. When I got home I parked it, went to the gym, and tried to let go. I didn’t feel happy about it, but work is not my life. I put first things first and today that was my girlfriend. I’m trying to tank from the positive vibes I get, not the negative stuff from today. I think I did everything with the best intentions, but it takes two to tango and all that.

Well, I’ve managed to let that go now. I know I did a lot right, but maybe could have done some things better. Alas, I was the one rattled and confused. Learn and move on, right? I’m just someone on my own path to enlightenment. Sorry if I seemed arrogant. Advice is most welcome, but readers know this I hope.

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